I feel like I'm back from the barely living....

I haven't blogged in a long time. Mostly because life has been  hard and I wanted to be helpful when I started doing this blog. But I'm starting to realize when you share your struggles and trials that can be helpful. Life has been rough for me, spiritually and physically. Sometimes I feel like my health is going backwards, not forward. And I've had to get over some heartbreak also this last year with the loss of a friend.
In June I was having a hard time. I had no energy no matter what I did. And if you've had extreme fatigue you know that it can be so frustrating and can leave you hopeless. I had to lay down for a lot of my day most days, and when I did take me kids out to do something fun, it took all my strength. At the end of the month I figured out why I was feeling so run down - I was pregnant. I had taken a pregnancy test or two sometime in May or June but they had come back negative. Not this one. I did two or threee to make sure. All of them were double lined. I was surprised at how soon I was pregnant after my 4th child, but I wasn't surprised about having a 5th child. I was overwhelmed with my 4 children, and wouldn't have wanted to add more to our family, but when I prayed I knew there was another child that was supposed to be in our family. I was hopeful that maybe this pregnancy wouldn't be as bad as the others. But it has been.  I'm currently 5 months along and its a little boy inside of my that has caused all the trouble. For the months of July, August and September I was severly sick. Only in October am I starting to feel a bit better. During those long three months I was so nauseous, and anytime I would try to get up my nausea would rapidly get worse and force me back in bed or back on the couch. I don't know why, but I felt incredibly guilty for being so sick. My husband had to do everything plus take care of me, and I felt like I was ruining the summer for my kids. I had started summer with all these fun plans to take them hiking and camping and traveling and swimming, and all those plans had to be scrapped. I received comfort through blessings Paul gave me, but I kept falling back into a deep depression. One blessing that made me feel okay about it talked about how even our Saviour, Jesus Christ, asked for help when he was in pain, and needed help from angels, and even asked if there was another way. I was also told that my morning sickness was a necessary for the developement of this baby, and that Heavenly Father needed me to be this child's mother. And that all Heavenly Father asks is that I just get through the days the best I can, and try to find happiness when and where ever I could. Those blessings would bouy me up for a few days, but it was impossible for me to escape the depression that came with feeling so awful all the time. I told Paul it felt like I was actually dying, my body felt so unwell. I'm still feeling pretty bad. In the mornings I feel weak and sick, and have no energy. And sometimes it lasts all day. I never know.
I've learned some good lessons throughout this. That all I really truely want in life is to feel good. I cannot wait to be healed. My health and my family are what matters, and we have a Heavenly Father who is watching over us. That sometimes you have to just get through the day the best you can, and that is enough. And that I don't care so much for material things. I really have had to either trust Heavenly Father or curse Him, I had to make that choice in my moments of anguish and self pity. A lot of times I would cry up to heaven and ask "Why?? Haven't I suffered enough?" I've had to pull myself together and somehow find trust in His timing.
I so hope my next post is about how much better I feel and how life is just peachy. I'm going to keep praying for trust, faith and hope so I can have the strength and courage that His ways are better than my ways.

Mother's Day...

This healing thing happens in layers. As I get better and better, and figure out the things that are still keeping me in pain and giving me anxiety, I find out things about myself.

This latest one is eerie in its timing. Its about the meaning of motherhood to me, and it hit me today, 2 days before Mother's Day.

I had a truth hit me today. I had been praying about how I just don't seem to enjoy being a stay at home mom. I find it tedious and boring. Its not that I don't have enough to do, its just things that I don't find stimulating or fulfilling. And I don't love staying at home with my kids. I do miss work. But I have this feeling I am where I'm supposed to be. And I do feel like there should be a way for me to at least like it. I should like staying at home, I should like watching my sweet 1 year old Giselle grow. I do, but I also feel stuck. I have 4 kids so working isn't much of an option. And my skill and talent is hair, and I don't want to do it very much while I'm trying to heal my body.

So I prayed that I would find the love for it or that I would be shown what else I should do in my life.

Somewhere in between running my oldest two kids to and from gymnastics it hit me.... A thought so true for my heart that I felt it on every level of my being: I don't need my mom. I don't feel much towards her. I grew up with a mom that spent a good majority of her time in her bedroom with the door locked. And when she did come out she was in a bad mood, and would say things to me that were so sharp they cut to the center of me. At some level I felt my mom really didn't like me, made even more obvious with the different way she treated my little brother. So I became self reliant and independent at a really young age. And in that process I let go of any attachment. As a 'daughter' I have a warped feeling of what a mom is.
So in this thought I realized I don't put much importance or value on being a mom. I feel like I could go on and be fine without my mom forever, and somehow I have that feeling that my kids feel the same about me. That I could disappear and they would be fine. I guess I feel more like a maid and a cook than a mom. I do feel a lack of appreciation. But that might be my messed up perception, I just don't know. I know intellectually that motherhood is a huge, important role, but I don't feel it. I don't know how to bridge the gap between my heart and my brain. All I know to do is to pray. That's the only way I know that can change my heart. Maybe I'll figure it out by Sunday.

Happy Mother's Day to everyone.

I have found relief from my pain! And its free! Please read though even though its a little long. Relief!!!

      I haven't blogged in awhile because I was not in a place where I could write anything that was helpful or that I felt good about. I want this blog to be an inspiration, not a place where I spread my depression and anxiety. I have been in  a lot of pain and my depression and anxiety came back these last few months. 
      In my second post I told all of you that I had been in pain for 9 years without any help from doctors and that was when I decided to start taking a low dose pain killer (hydrocodone). At the time I needed relief from my extreme neck and back pain, and my headaches. I was at the end of my rope and was willing to do whatever to have a bit of relief. That was about 4 years ago. And I really am grateful I did that because it gave me some help for 4 years, when I had no other options. I still went to doctor after doctor trying to figure it out, the pain killers were just there to help me along my way.
      At the end of March I got a strong feeling that I needed to stop taking them. I still was in pain, but I knew I had been taking my pills for so long that I really didn't know what my real pain was, and what was pain that my body and brain were generating so I would take my prescription. My body was dependent on having a dose of 1 pill every 4-6 hours during the day (3 a day). I had been feeling that getting off them was the next step in getting better, but I was scared to do it. I wanted to go off of them cold turkey because every time I tried to take less than my normal dose I was miserable anyways, so I might as well go through all the yucky withdrawals at once instead of prolonging the misery. I did it and my sweet husband was super supportive. He took care of the kids and helped me in anyway that he could. The worst part of it was that I had this awful pain in my jaw on the right side that would come and go, which I later figured out was allergies. When your sinuses in your cheeks get inflamed from allergies, it can make the whole side of your face hurt. It was so awful! It almost felt like my cheek was burning, like I was holding it up to a hot burner. To fix this, Doctor Alex gave me some liquid iodine and I add 4 dropper fulls to my neti pot full of water and salt solution and use it twice a day. A small miracle for me. Who would have thought I'd move from Oregon to the desert, and then develop allergies for the first time in my life?
     I'm setting all this up so I can tell you how I found relief. I have been in pain ever since I went off my pain pills, and with my allergy pain I have taken a few pills when it was too much for me to bear (about 10 pills in the last 3-4 weeks). I was bummed to have to take any, but considering before I was taking about 21 per week, I was feeling okay about it. 
     I also have blogged before on the fact that I believe in the law of attraction. That alike attracts alike. That your thoughts actually shape your life. Have you noticed that that dramatic people have a lot of drama in their lives?  Or that happy people have happy lives? I think this works on 2 levels. That you actually do attract to your life what you think about, and when you're focused on how good or bad things are, you're going to see just that. Its like your vision and thinking is filtered with what your thoughts are concentrating on. So its good to think about what you want in life. To have a destination and goals.
      What I wanted most in this whole world was to not be in pain (and still do) and to be healed so I wouldn't have a hurting body and depression and anxiety. I wanted that so bad that I was fighting the pain. And I was having a hard time thinking about being healed because I was in constant pain. 
     Yesterday I stayed home from church because I was in so much pain and I decided to look up videos on law of attraction and pain on Youtube. I found this one amazing video that completely changed my thoughts. Its a little deep, so I'm hesitant to share the actual video. 
      I was always feeling like there was something I was or wasn't doing that wasn't enough. I felt guilty about everything- I'm so impatient with my kids, my house is messy, I'm not teaching them all I want to teach them, there are days I don't do 100% of what Dr. Alex has told me to do, maybe I should be tougher about my pain, etc..... I was always beating myself up and figuring there must be something I wasn't doing, or that I wasn't being patient enough in my afflictions because most of my thoughts and prayers were about how I wanted to be healed (right now!) and wanting to feel better. 
      The video I watched changed everything that I was thinking. I'm about to share something amazing that I'm hoping will help some of you. The number one thing you must think and believe is:

You are right where you need to be.

 You need to make peace with that. 

You are okay where you are at in this moment. 

You are not supposed to be in a 

different spot in your life.

      You can only start from where you are at in your life right now. Its okay to be right where you are at. In any way you think about it, the fact (and reality) is you are where you are. Period. And once you make peace with that it gets rid of all the guilt and it makes it so you can start from here, from right where you are. It gives you a clean slate to start from. Instead of burdening yourself with 'I should have done this' or any other guilty or bad thought, making peace with the fact your are where you are and that it is okay makes it so you can move on and up.

      Once you do that you can open your mind up more to changing your thoughts even more. So the next thing you need to do is make the pain your friend. Stop fighting it and stop connecting it to your emotions. You need to stop resisting and/or trying to block the pain. Even though the pain isn't what you want, you need to change how you think about it. Instead of trying to not feel it, really think about it and feel it, where its at, how it feels. Does it change or move from minute to minute? Notice when it gets better and hyper focus when that happens.
       For me it was too much of a jump to think about and imagine being healed because I couldn't remember or fathom not being in pain. Stop pushing the pain away, pushing against it. I know that sounds weird and sounds wrong at first but stay with me. There is a difference between (1) being in pain and discouraged and (2) being in pain and being hopeful.  Here is what your thought process needs to be next (this is what changed it all for me and took a huge weight off my shoulders mentally):

~I am grateful for this pain because it is there to provide to contrast. (If you didn't have the pain you wouldn't know that you wanted to be healthy and to feel better. When you have a problem, it's good, because it gets your attention and it makes you want to find a solution. If you didn't feel pain, you wouldn't appreciate what its going to be like to feel good. That's how we make things better in our world, we see something we don't like and find a way to improve it. And when you are grateful for it, it changes the way you're thinking about it in a way that makes it so you're not resisting or fighting the pain. I believe God gives us challenges for a purpose, that we are suppose to grow from our specific challenges).

~ I know it will be better (It was too hard of a jump for me to think of myself being healed but I could definitely think of getting better, my mind could wrap itself around that).

~I'm looking forward to it being gone.

~It doesn't have to stay around forever.

~I know there will be a time when I will appreciate my pain because I will know how good it feels to be without it. 

~I can still be grateful and happy, even though I have pain.

~The pain is not punishment for something I have done.

~I can release it.

~Life is supposed to be good.

~I'm supposed to feel good in this physical body.

~It is right that I feel good.

      These thoughts changed my pain as soon as I REALLY took them in and let them change my way of thinking. I had been thinking the wrong way for so long (remember one of the definitions of insanity is to do the same thing over and over expecting different results). As soon as I stopped fighting my pain and accepted it, that gave me hope, and made me feel better. I still have the pain, but its so much bearable, and the more I think these thoughts the more it fades and fades. I KNOW that learning this is what I needed to do to open myself up to being healed. Some of you may find that changing your thoughts you are healed quickly, and some of you may be like me may need others help to heal (my thyroid supplements, etc).  
 

I know our minds are more powerful than most of us believe. Please try this. I am so excited about feeling better, and feeling different about my pain that I had to share. 

Emotions are more than a feeling

My EMOTIONS  

effect my DIGESTION  

which effects my MUSCLES

  (The goal)

That is what I learned from my doctor appointment on Monday. I haven't been feeling very good this last week. I went through something very hard, I had to let go of someone I was very close to a few months ago, and my guard was finally able to come down and I really felt the loss. This person was a big part of my life, so I'm feeling the hole that it left. I don't regret my decisions to let go of this person, partly because this person became someone else, and partly because I had prayed about the situation and knew the decision I made was right. It's awesome how when you know its right with God, nothing else matters. 

Anyways, my emotions can sometimes get stuck, like a CD with a scratch, and it was hard for me to move past it, and I was having problems again with anxiety and my digestion, and muscle tension. My doctor said that digestion can really be thrown off by emotions. So he and I talked through this experience I had with this friend. He helped me really really realize there was nothing I could have done to change things, she made her decision to act the way she did. And if you've ever been to therapy, you know it helps to talk it out. So now I'm feeling cleared up, and everything is slowly following. My digestion is getting slowly better, and hopefully my tense muscles will follow. 

I wanted to post this for a few reasons

One

   Our bodies and minds are so connected.

I don't know if I thought about how much

 I really feel my emotions. It effects everything. The happier

you can be the more at ease your body can be.

Two

Number one is a good reason not to keep toxic people in your life. 

I loved my good friend dearly, but the relationship turned toxic.

 I have no idea why she acted the way she did, and I did nothing 

I regret, so I'm at peace with letting her go. I pray for her. I 

think that's the best thing you can do in a situation like this so 

you don't turn bitter. Seriously, try it. Jesus was giving us good 

advice when He told us to pray for our "enemies" 

(I really don't think of her as my enemy).

 Three

 My doctor rocks! If you need someone, no matter where you live, my doctor can help. He's a healing doctor. Just let me know if you want Dr. Alex's info.

What is the answer to our health problems?

Today's post is inspired from a text from my mother

 in law. It said 'Papa got excited yesterday reading 

Alma 46:40. You and Paul should read it'. 

First let me explain a few things before I tell you what Alma 46:40 says. As part my blog title states, I am a mormon. Part of my beliefs is a belief in a book call the Book of Mormon. We believe it to be scripture, another testament of Jesus Christ. It does not replace the Bible, we very much believe in and love the Bible. It adds to the Bible. It is a book about God's dealings with other people who lived in a different part of the world.

Another thing is that I don't believe western medicine holds the answers to our health, quite the opposite. I do think there are some good things in western medicine, like my awesome epidurals when I have my babies, but in everything else western medicine has really let me down. My current supplements I'm taking are not medication from pharmaceutical companies, its basically herbs and vitamins, and I am doing amazing. I'm getting better so quickly, its really a miracle to me, after being so bad for so long.

After getting no answers from my doctors for years and years and years, I have a much more open mind to other forms of healing. Herbs, therapy, emotional tapping, and finally, oils. I have, over the last couple of years have had some help from oils, thanks to wonderful friend, Sue Shaw, back in my home state of Oregon. She helped me figure out which ones helped me when I didn't know what was wrong with my body, I just knew things weren't right. Since she's helped me, and so many others, I've always been interested in them. I was too busy with work and popping out cute babies while I lived in Oregon to get into them, but now I've dived in. I'm officially in, I'm a do terra sales rep.. Mostly for the discount, but I'm hoping to be able to help people be healthier in any way I can. To actually, honestly, for reals help people.

Anyways, what Alma 46:40 says~

 And there were some who died with fevers, which at some seasons

 of the year were very frequent in the land— 

but not so much so with fevers, because of the excellent qualities of the many plants

 and roots which God had prepared to remove the cause of diseases, 

 to which men were subject by the nature of the climate.

There are other scriptures that talk about the good plants, herbs and oils can do for us.  Some include Doctrine and Covenants 59:17-20 and 89:10. There are plenty of scriptures in the Bible that talk about oil, and anointing oil, but I want to study the scriptures a bit more before I post those. I am so grateful for a loving God that put these helpful things here to help us with our health. There is no way I believe for a second that drugs and modern medicine is the only way, and at this point I'm very doubtful it is the way to go hardly ever. I'm not saying this in a bitter way, I've just seen so many examples of those around  me (obviously including myself) where it hasn't helped out a bit. How can I get better and healthy when I go to a normal doctor and I get 15 minutes if I'm lucky, and the whole time he or she is figuring out what prescription I need to cover up my symptoms, not how I can get better? Honestly! 

The state of our health in the United States is awful. There is so many problems with obesity, cancer, mental health, etc, and I firmly believe the food we put in our body is the problem. If you really look into whats in normal, non organic food it will gross you right out. "Ew" (say it in Jimmy Fallon's voice :)). 

Bug poop in candy like Skittles? Yup. 

Sand and human hair in our food? Yes ma'am.

Boiled pig skin is what makes jello jiggle? Yes again.  

Carbon monoxide in meat to make it fresh? Yes- carbon monoxide, the same stuff that comes out of the exhaust of your car!

 (read about these and so many more gross facts about your food here: http://juiytip.com/entertainment/the-grossest-things-we-eat-every-day)

Why are Americans so sick and unhealthy??? 

The answer is obvious people!!!

I'm not bring up all this to start a fight, or to make anyone feel bad. I really want to shock people into getting healthy. I want everyone to feel as good as I have with eating healthy. If you have questions please comment and I will answer the best I can. I would be willing to post some of my family's favorite vegetarian recipes if it is requested :). 

 

Depression, and the Law of Attraction

I'm already starting to feel better! I started back on my supplements on Monday and by yesterday morning they were starting to kick in. Its crazy to feel the difference. I went from looking at the world with no hope (those of you who have dealt with depression will understand that) to feeling okay. I'm not quite to where I was, oozing with happiness and energy, but I'm heading there.

Depression

 I know I'll be happy to have experienced depression someday, so I know how to help other people. I don't know if you can fully understand depression unless you've gone through it. You feel tired, you feel hopeless. I couldn't think of one thing that would get me excited about life. I can understand if you go through depression for a long time and have no hope of getting better, and have no one to rely on, how people can think death is the answer. Depression takes over your brain and heart and makes it dark, steals you passions and dreams (or makes them something you're not excited about), it's so awful! 

Both times I've gotten better, in (Dec-Jan) and yesterday and today, my husband has talked about how he can see a difference in our 7 year old daughter. We noticed it in our whole family. As I got better and happier, so did everyone else. Now that I've been able to get better, my sweet daughter is bouncy, and happy, and light, and giggles a lot more. Whether its good or bad, my family reflects me. The whole "if mamma ain't happy, ain't nobody happy" really is true with our little family. And that makes me even more thankful I'm getting better. I want our home to be a happy home, where we laugh a lot and have fun. That is my dream, that is what I want out of life. I don't want a billion dollars, I just want to be happy and for our family to be happy....

Law of Attraction

I don't know it I'm going to throw off anyone reading this, but I really want to share my beliefs and what makes me tick on this blog. I believe in the law of attraction, that like attracts like. That if you have a goal, and focus on that goal, that you will achieve it. Let me explain with my best example~

The last couple of years in Oregon I had a goal to get our family to Vegas, and at first my husband was unsure and not totally on board. I wanted to keep it in focus so I went on yahoo and typed in 'Las Vegas homes' and found one I liked and put it up on my bathroom mirror. I love both modern and mid century homes, so I picked out a modern one. When I looked at the picture my thought was not about being in that particular home (for one it was probably at least a million dollars) but I wanted to be where that home was. So I would look at the picture, and every few days I would be sitting with my boys as they went to sleep at night, and as I would rub their backs I would close my eyes and visualize living in Las Vegas. I would, in my thoughts, go through my life in Vegas. Here is a version of the picture on my mirror (my picture in Oregon was this but just pulled back a little where you could see more of the driveway).

 So in January of 2013 both my husband and I, as we prayed about moving to Vegas, felt good about it, but all of the sudden we both had this feeling we need to get there fast. We both felt this sense of urgency. So we got a move on. Within 2 months I was in Las Vegas with this kids, looking for a place to live, and a few weeks later my husband joined us. We found a house to rent and we felt good about renting that particular house. Within the first month of living in our home I was going to Target. There is a road that is behind our home that leads right to a Target. As I'm driving and am almost there, I looked up at a new housing development and that exact picture that had been on my Oregon bathroom mirror was right there in front of the development, almost as big as a billboard. That is about a mile from my house. And having lived here in Vegas (Henderson) a year, I have not seen that picture anywhere else. When I saw it I knew the law of attraction had worked.

If you can dream it, it can happen. Sounds super corny, but its true! All you need to do is pick what you want out of life. And I think God guides you a bit. I don't want a billion dollars, although I do want enough for our family to be comfortable and to help others, but my dreams are of having a happy family that does fun things together. When I visualize I dream of a trailer that we fixed up, one like this
                                                                                   

 

and traveling. As a child my family had this old beater Winnebago. My dad took us camping almost every weekend in the summer and I LOVED it. We even went to Yellowstone. I want that for my family. I want to travel, I want to go camping, I want to see the world, and to have my kids have the same childhood experience as I did. To sit in the evenings in our trailer far from home, playing board games together. Other dreams include my husband's business succeeding, being in shape and healthy, helping other people with their health, and like I said before - just being plain old happy. 

So if you want to jump on my Law of Attraction train, go on Netflix if you have it, and watch The Secret. I look at The Secret as having faith, and making faith an actually tool, to know how to use it. 

Also, if you are reading my blog, please comment. I have no idea who is out there reading this, but my dashboard shows people looking at my blog. I would love to have some feedback.

 

Set backs :(

Lately I've had some set backs with my health. My husband and I have both had the flu over the last 2-3 weeks. Right at the beginning of my husband getting the flu I was running out of my supplements for my thyroid and with having to take care of him, and getting the flu myself I wasn't able to go get them till yesterday. It was odd to have my symptoms start coming back. Odd is not a strong enough word. Awful is the right word. After feeling so much better in January, more like a normal human being, it made it even harder to go through the anxiety and exhaustion. My nerves were almost unbearable. The anxiety makes me super impatient with my kids, makes me hate being a stay at home mom, makes me hate being in my house, makes it hard to like much of anything, except eating crap. On my thyroid supplements I was loving being home, love being with my little baby girl all the time, just plain happy. Right now all I want to do is jump a plane to anywhere for a long vacation. My supplements kick in pretty quickly, so hopefully everything will be roses soon. Can't come soon enough.


Yesterday something wonderful happened. One of my loved ones who had a serious diagnosis given to him about 2 months ago, went to see my doctor here in Vegas. After seeing my doctor and taking his supplements for only a day this family member looks so much better, and is already feeling better. Makes my heart happy to have other people feeling better too.