I haven't blogged in a long time. Mostly because life has been hard and I wanted to be helpful when I started doing this blog. But I'm starting to realize when you share your struggles and trials that can be helpful. Life has been rough for me, spiritually and physically. Sometimes I feel like my health is going backwards, not forward. And I've had to get over some heartbreak also this last year with the loss of a friend.
In June I was having a hard time. I had no energy no matter what I did. And if you've had extreme fatigue you know that it can be so frustrating and can leave you hopeless. I had to lay down for a lot of my day most days, and when I did take me kids out to do something fun, it took all my strength. At the end of the month I figured out why I was feeling so run down - I was pregnant. I had taken a pregnancy test or two sometime in May or June but they had come back negative. Not this one. I did two or threee to make sure. All of them were double lined. I was surprised at how soon I was pregnant after my 4th child, but I wasn't surprised about having a 5th child. I was overwhelmed with my 4 children, and wouldn't have wanted to add more to our family, but when I prayed I knew there was another child that was supposed to be in our family. I was hopeful that maybe this pregnancy wouldn't be as bad as the others. But it has been. I'm currently 5 months along and its a little boy inside of my that has caused all the trouble. For the months of July, August and September I was severly sick. Only in October am I starting to feel a bit better. During those long three months I was so nauseous, and anytime I would try to get up my nausea would rapidly get worse and force me back in bed or back on the couch. I don't know why, but I felt incredibly guilty for being so sick. My husband had to do everything plus take care of me, and I felt like I was ruining the summer for my kids. I had started summer with all these fun plans to take them hiking and camping and traveling and swimming, and all those plans had to be scrapped. I received comfort through blessings Paul gave me, but I kept falling back into a deep depression. One blessing that made me feel okay about it talked about how even our Saviour, Jesus Christ, asked for help when he was in pain, and needed help from angels, and even asked if there was another way. I was also told that my morning sickness was a necessary for the developement of this baby, and that Heavenly Father needed me to be this child's mother. And that all Heavenly Father asks is that I just get through the days the best I can, and try to find happiness when and where ever I could. Those blessings would bouy me up for a few days, but it was impossible for me to escape the depression that came with feeling so awful all the time. I told Paul it felt like I was actually dying, my body felt so unwell. I'm still feeling pretty bad. In the mornings I feel weak and sick, and have no energy. And sometimes it lasts all day. I never know.
I've learned some good lessons throughout this. That all I really truely want in life is to feel good. I cannot wait to be healed. My health and my family are what matters, and we have a Heavenly Father who is watching over us. That sometimes you have to just get through the day the best you can, and that is enough. And that I don't care so much for material things. I really have had to either trust Heavenly Father or curse Him, I had to make that choice in my moments of anguish and self pity. A lot of times I would cry up to heaven and ask "Why?? Haven't I suffered enough?" I've had to pull myself together and somehow find trust in His timing.
I so hope my next post is about how much better I feel and how life is just peachy. I'm going to keep praying for trust, faith and hope so I can have the strength and courage that His ways are better than my ways.
