Mother's Day...

This healing thing happens in layers. As I get better and better, and figure out the things that are still keeping me in pain and giving me anxiety, I find out things about myself.

This latest one is eerie in its timing. Its about the meaning of motherhood to me, and it hit me today, 2 days before Mother's Day.

I had a truth hit me today. I had been praying about how I just don't seem to enjoy being a stay at home mom. I find it tedious and boring. Its not that I don't have enough to do, its just things that I don't find stimulating or fulfilling. And I don't love staying at home with my kids. I do miss work. But I have this feeling I am where I'm supposed to be. And I do feel like there should be a way for me to at least like it. I should like staying at home, I should like watching my sweet 1 year old Giselle grow. I do, but I also feel stuck. I have 4 kids so working isn't much of an option. And my skill and talent is hair, and I don't want to do it very much while I'm trying to heal my body.

So I prayed that I would find the love for it or that I would be shown what else I should do in my life.

Somewhere in between running my oldest two kids to and from gymnastics it hit me.... A thought so true for my heart that I felt it on every level of my being: I don't need my mom. I don't feel much towards her. I grew up with a mom that spent a good majority of her time in her bedroom with the door locked. And when she did come out she was in a bad mood, and would say things to me that were so sharp they cut to the center of me. At some level I felt my mom really didn't like me, made even more obvious with the different way she treated my little brother. So I became self reliant and independent at a really young age. And in that process I let go of any attachment. As a 'daughter' I have a warped feeling of what a mom is.
So in this thought I realized I don't put much importance or value on being a mom. I feel like I could go on and be fine without my mom forever, and somehow I have that feeling that my kids feel the same about me. That I could disappear and they would be fine. I guess I feel more like a maid and a cook than a mom. I do feel a lack of appreciation. But that might be my messed up perception, I just don't know. I know intellectually that motherhood is a huge, important role, but I don't feel it. I don't know how to bridge the gap between my heart and my brain. All I know to do is to pray. That's the only way I know that can change my heart. Maybe I'll figure it out by Sunday.

Happy Mother's Day to everyone.